Big trucks, mud and beads, oh my

Ever heard of Muddi Gras? Not to be confused with Fat Tuesday, this celebration of all things redneck is basically a huge group of people driving their biggest and baddest trucks through a field of watered down cow crap for fun. Talk about some good times!

We went this weekend to join in the festivities. Located in the middle of no man's land, a small paper sign off the side of a very long road directed us into 200 acres of dusty fields with a designated mud area. On the way through the field toward the lineup where we were to sign our lives away in on mud-splattered release forms, I was watching the little pickup in front of us. I noticed that the guy driving was holding a long squeegee, which I knew from past experience was a good idea. We forgot to bring ours, and I reminded my husband of that. He moaned and groaned about it for a minute, then stopped short mid sentence.

"Ummm, Robin, I don't think he brought that for the mud."

"Whaddya mean?" Really, why else would he bring a squeegee with him, and how could my husband tell? He pointed ahead of us.

"I think he's using it as windshield wipers."

It was sprinkling rain, and he was indeed reaching out his driver's side window and swiping the rain from his windshield with a squeegee. Let the redneckiness begin.

We drove through hundreds of big trucks to find a place to park. We got a good spot, one row back from the muddy field where the fun would take place. We got the kiddos out of the car and stomped across to check out the roped-off area. This is what we saw:

Hell. Yeah. Now if you're one of those urbanite types who can't even imagine what anyone would do in a field of mud this size, let me show you.

That's right. We drive through it. Woooohoooooo! People get muddy. People get stuck. People fling mud on other people. Talk about some good times. It brings back memories of being a teenager in a small town, where drinking MD20/20 down by the canal and going muddin' were the only things to do on the weekend. Sometimes, if we really wanted to live it up, we'd drink while we were muddin'. That's what we did this weekend. We drank cheap beer from cans and slung mud all over the place. Our Bronco took a mud beating, but it sure was fun.

If you're wondering, "Why are the windows down?" then you wouldn't be the first person to wonder that. The thing is... so much mud gets flung on every suface of your vehicle that you literally can't see without the windows down. You're probably also wondering how you participate in this dirty little dance without coming out looking like you got spatter painted in poop. The answer is, you don't. You get muddy and dirty, and you drink enough beer that you don't really care.

We saw a lot of interesting things while we were there. The following picture is a golf cart frame on some really big tires. Look closely at the sign on the front. It reminded me of those old "bikini inspector" t-shirts that used to be popular with the beer-belly crowd. The guy driving the Tittie Patrol had a bucket full of Mardi Gras beads, and he was tossing them to all the girls in bikini tops who showed him a good bit of cleavage. It was shocking and fascinating all in one jacked-up package.
Speaking of jacked up, check these out.

Everyone loves a classic car on track tires.

This is about as redneck as it gets... camo paint and confederate flags. This was not the only truck like this we saw. Hard to believe, I know, but true.

Yep - that's a Camaro on tires taller than the girl sitting on top of it. That girl was flashing everyone that looked at her. It was loads of excitement not only for my husband, but for my teenage son. That's redneck porn for ya right thar.

We grilled. We got muddy. We took pictures of big trucks. We laughed at other people muddier than us. We tried to go to a concert in an adjoining field, but someone unzipped the sky and we got rained out, so we went home.

I can't wait to go next year. :)

Agent J for Prez

I was joking the other day with a friend about writing his name in on my ballot in November, and it made me think about who would be a good write-in for the presidential vote. I know that not all states even allow write-in votes, but let's pretend for a minute that we have the freedom to elect whoever we please.

I'm not a politcally savvy person. I don't keep up with who supports what and platforms and... well, I don't even know the correct terminology, so I won't pretend that I do. My method for voting comes down to frantic research within the last few days before an election. It might not be the best way, but it's my way. Don't tell my husband or kids, though - they think I know everything. My lack of expertise in this area led me to some interesting conclusions about who would make good candidates.

I'd like to take this opportunity to present to you my choice for write in candidate for the 2008 presidential election.

Agent J. We've never had a president this cool. My reasons for choosing J are many.

1. He runs fast. That might not seem like a good reason to some, but the way I see it, if he ever travels to the Middle East and catches a glimpse of Osama Bin Laden, he could damn sure catch him.

2. He has fantastic weapons. The country could save zillions of dollars a year on Secret Service, because he can just whip out his big guns and take care of any potential threat all by himself.

3. Any guy who can make a plain black suit and sunglasses look so darn good deserves some kind of special recognition. Clearly, our standards for the role of president are not all that high right now, so this reason alone might just be enough to secure millions of votes.

4. He has a kick-ass running mate. I mean, really, who doesn't love a talking dog?

5.He has a neuralyzer. That's the flashy thing with the red light that erases memory. If I had a flashy thing, I'd be the best at everything, because anytime I screwed up I could erase memories and call do-over. It's the ultimate power.

6. He's got the whooooole world, in his hands......

7. Agent J clearly has a handle on problems with illegal immigration.

You may not agree with my choice for the leader of our people. It wouldn't be the first time that someone disagreed with me, and it surely won't be the last. For those who aren't quite yet ready to write in Agent J, let me make one more point that will surely convince you. This one is a demonstration. I need you to look right here at this red light......