1 am - Go to bed. I know it's odd to start a journal of my day with bedtime, but it's odd that I go to bed after midnight, so there you have it. My day started with bedtime.
9:30 am - My husband and I were woken rudely. There's nothing like a three year old doing jumping jacks on your stomach to drive you out of bed first thing in the morning.
10:30 - Making breakfast for everyone is something I try to do on days we're all here at a decent hour and when I've had coffee. On work and school days, they eat whatever they scrounge out of the kitchen, and I don't feel guilty about it. I made breakfast this morning. I was busy toasting biscuits and scrambling eggs when my foot slid a little. I was mildly annoyed at whoever dropped an ice cube, but kept cooking. I turned to grab a potholder and *whomp* slid right into the counter. What the hell?
There is a puddle the size of Lake Okeechobee in the middle of my kitchen. I stood looking at it for a minute, contemplating where it came from. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Abby streak by the kitchen, butt naked. Pee. It was pee that I slipped in. Super.
11:15 - I had to tell my husband that the gas tank in both cars are completely empty before he leaves to drive 44 miles to some dude's house for some unknown reason. In this day and age, telling someone they need to stop for gas in never a fun thing. He moaned. He groaned. He whined. I reminded him that I water skied in a puddle of pee an hour earlier, and he shut up. Sometimes I have to put things into perspective for him.
11:16 - Realize I left ATM card in the ATM machine yesterday. Oops. I called the bank to see if someone might have turned it in, but she told me the ATM would have eaten it after a few seconds. Great. Well, at least there was one less ATM who had to beg for a meal last night.
2:20 PM - Stop looking for pin # to the other ATM card. I don't know how I forgot it, but I did. It's on a paper somewhere in my house. My son suggested looking in the filing cabinet, where all the other important papers are. I laughed hysterically at the suggestion that I would be even remotely organized, then sent my husband to the bank.
2:25 - Clean mascara off Abby.
3:15 - Realize we never had lunch. Feed kids marshmallows, saltine crackers, and iced tea.
3:40 - Leave to take Bryan to football practice. It's hotter than Hades, but they're tough (and mildly stupid), and they practice anyway. Running laps and tackling each other for two hours in the blazing sun while dressed in 200 pounds of pads is alright, but if I ask my son to take a bag of trash out I get the "It's too hoooooootttt" whine. That's a prime example of teen logic for you.
4:00 - Discover there's no football practice. The school was locked up tighter than a chastity belt. Why did we not know there was no practice? Well, I'll tell you. When you leave a not-quite-14 year old in charge of his own schedule, you wind up doing things like driving to a place you're supposed to be only to find out you weren't supposed to be there. Grr.
4:30 - Interrupt a game of couch-cushion king of the mountain. Not only did they have all the cushions stacked up, but Bryan was laying on the floor with them stacked on his back, and Molly was standing on top of the stack, balancing herself like a surfer riding a gnarly wave, dude. My ERP (Emergency Room Prevention) radar went off, and I caught them before someone got hurt.
4:35 - Put the couch back together while the kids take the cushion off the futon to make a slide. Warn them not to slide it down the stairs.
4:45 - Interrupt a game of ping-pong racquetball, not because they were hurting the wall, but because Abby kept running in front of them and getting smacked in the head with the paddles.
5:15 - Realize there's nothing for dinner except the other half of the bag of marshmallows and a sleeve of saltine crackers. I really couldn't justify feeding them that twice in one day. Even my kids have limits.
5:30 - Decide to go shopping. I hate shopping. It's like hell to shop with three kids, but when my husband is home, shopping is like multi-tasking. I can buy food and get away from my kids, all in one hour! Yay me!
5:45 - Answer the phone for the 8th time since deciding to go shopping and start doodling on a Chinese food menu, trying to decide whether I'd rather have the company of General Tso or the twins, Sweet and Sour.
6:30 - Have a discussion yet again about why guns are not allowed in the house. I don't care if it's a 22 that is made to look exactly like an AK 47. Seriously. I. Don't. Care.
7:20 - Look at the clock and realize we still haven't had dinner. Call for pizza.
7:25 - Wonder where Molly is and find her tied to a chair in front of the TV, watching The Simpsons Movie.
7:45 - Untie Molly and eat the pizza.
8:15 - Let the kids down to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, only to discover all of the cheese from Abby's pizza is stuffed down the front of her pants. She's singing a song about cheese on her butt. The boys chime in with a chorus of comments about cutting the cheese and washing more often. It's definitely time to begin the bedtime routine.
9:30 - Relax with a stiff drink, content knowing that all three kids are in their bedrooms, entertained. The girls have a TV in their bedroom, and were squealing and shouting and begging for an oompa-loompa. Yeah, I know - I'm going straight to hell.
9:40 - Have a conversation with Molly about proper booger disposal. She informed us that she usually wipes them on the floor or the wall, but that sometimes Mommy makes her wipe them on a tissue (all said with a gooey green blob hanging from her fingertip). When reminded that she should never eat the boogers, she had the nerve to look surprised, as if she'd never been told that before.
10:00 - Have a conversation with Bryan about condoms.
10:05 - Bang head against wall until a lump forms.
10:30 - Attempt to download songs from the internet onto my MP3 player. I'm clearly not young enough to make this happen. If you're wondering if I can program a VCR, the answer is no.
1 AM - Go to bed. How did this happen again? Who knows. My day in review is a testament that I can spend an entire day being busy while accomplishing absolutely nothing. It's my greatest talent. I can teach you, grasshopper. Just don't ask me to program your VCR.
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