My husband is a pranskter. He delights in catching people off-guard and getting the best of someone. He is the proud owner of an entire box of stink bombs, and he has them in both varieties. I bet you didn't even know they came in two different styles, did you? There are the little glass tubes full of rotten-egg scented liquid that you smash to bits, and there are the little silver bags that you squeeze and throw, then wait for the explosion of rotten-egg scented powder. They'll make your eyes water and your nose burn. Horrid, I tell you. Horrid.
I wish I didn't know so much about stink bombs. I also wish I didn't know so many ways to use them. My (least) personal favorite is the stuff-and-run method. To execute this method, you must wait patiently until someone enters the bathroom for a reason that will keep them occupied for a few minutes. You take the explosion kind of stinkbomb, hold it very close to the bottom of the door, squeeze it, stuff it under the door, and run like hell. The person on the toilet or in the shower won't have enough time to escape before it releases its cheerfully awful smell.
I've been a stuff-and-run victim before. It's not pleasant.
My husband likes to prank the guys he works with, too. He's been known to do things like greasing the doorknobs and filling their lockers with packing material. He unrolled an entire roll of those brown paper towels like you find in public restrooms once, and stuffed it in his friend's locker. Then he coated his friend's locker door handle in some sticky greasy stuff. This made sense to him because - and I kid you not - "by the time he got the door open, he really needed a paper towel."
Most recently, he pulled a really disgusting switcheroo with his shopmates. He found some bottles of orange juice under the seat in the van one day. They were unopened, but clearly fermented. He took them to work and put them in the fridge. Now honestly, it's beyond me why someone would not be able to tell that the OJ was a no-go before they opened the bottle. Where I come from, oranges do not produce chunky brown juice. It didn't stop one of the guys from opening one and taking a sip. I guess it's man-logic that produces thoughts like, "if it's cold, it's drinkable."
A few days ago, I was having a conversation with my husband. We were talking about his job, and some of the people he works with. He mentioned one of the guys that works in his shop, then got all excited and... well, almost giddy. I knew a prank story was forthcoming.
"I have the best idea for a prank to play on Wes."
Ok, not even a story, just an idea? This must be a good one. "Okay, honey. Lay it on me."
"Well, as soon as I can find enough golf balls...."
I have no idea what he said after "golf balls." I immediately thought of the
Mythbusters episode where they had thousands of ping-pong balls trying to raise a sunken ship with them. I could picture my husband with an entire room full of golf balls, wading through them like a kid in a ball pit. I should probably ask him what he had in mind, but honestly, I'm afraid to find out.
Last night I was sitting at the computer desk when I heard my husband and son outside. They were laughing, which is always a bad sign. I looked out the window and saw them down the block, stooped over looking at the sidewalk. I shrugged it off, but something kept nagging at me about the way they were both bent over the sidewalk. I heard the front door open, and I looked up. I guess they didn't expect me to be watching them, because they stopped in their tracks. I watched my son ease his right hand behind his back.
"What were you two doing outside?"
"Nothing."
"What's in your hand?"
"Nothing."
"Am I about to get mad at you guys?"
"No."
They broke a lot easier than I thought they would. It only took about three seconds of the evil eye before they cracked like eggs. They tried not to look at me, but they couldn't help talking to each other.
"Okay, so it's really funny, what we did. It's going to be hilarious to watch the kids down the road tomorrow trying to get them off the sidewalk. I hope this glue holds. Maybe we should go out and put some on the other side of the sidewalk. Do you think anyone saw us? It won't be funny if someone saw us. How much more change do you have? Let's go back out. Got any firecrackers?"
They glued quarters to the sidewalk. I'm dead serious. I had to confiscate the glue, because there's no telling what they would have done with it next.
I heard them whispering about buying a pack of chargers for a model rocket earlier. I heard the words "stink bomb" in the same conversation. I imagine sometime in the next week I'll be a witness to the smelliest rocket ever launched in the world.
I'm so lucky.
I wish I didn't know so much about stink bombs. I also wish I didn't know so many ways to use them. My (least) personal favorite is the stuff-and-run method. To execute this method, you must wait patiently until someone enters the bathroom for a reason that will keep them occupied for a few minutes. You take the explosion kind of stinkbomb, hold it very close to the bottom of the door, squeeze it, stuff it under the door, and run like hell. The person on the toilet or in the shower won't have enough time to escape before it releases its cheerfully awful smell.I've been a stuff-and-run victim before. It's not pleasant.
My husband likes to prank the guys he works with, too. He's been known to do things like greasing the doorknobs and filling their lockers with packing material. He unrolled an entire roll of those brown paper towels like you find in public restrooms once, and stuffed it in his friend's locker. Then he coated his friend's locker door handle in some sticky greasy stuff. This made sense to him because - and I kid you not - "by the time he got the door open, he really needed a paper towel."
Most recently, he pulled a really disgusting switcheroo with his shopmates. He found some bottles of orange juice under the seat in the van one day. They were unopened, but clearly fermented. He took them to work and put them in the fridge. Now honestly, it's beyond me why someone would not be able to tell that the OJ was a no-go before they opened the bottle. Where I come from, oranges do not produce chunky brown juice. It didn't stop one of the guys from opening one and taking a sip. I guess it's man-logic that produces thoughts like, "if it's cold, it's drinkable."
A few days ago, I was having a conversation with my husband. We were talking about his job, and some of the people he works with. He mentioned one of the guys that works in his shop, then got all excited and... well, almost giddy. I knew a prank story was forthcoming.
"I have the best idea for a prank to play on Wes."
Ok, not even a story, just an idea? This must be a good one. "Okay, honey. Lay it on me."
"Well, as soon as I can find enough golf balls...."
I have no idea what he said after "golf balls." I immediately thought of the
Mythbusters episode where they had thousands of ping-pong balls trying to raise a sunken ship with them. I could picture my husband with an entire room full of golf balls, wading through them like a kid in a ball pit. I should probably ask him what he had in mind, but honestly, I'm afraid to find out.
Last night I was sitting at the computer desk when I heard my husband and son outside. They were laughing, which is always a bad sign. I looked out the window and saw them down the block, stooped over looking at the sidewalk. I shrugged it off, but something kept nagging at me about the way they were both bent over the sidewalk. I heard the front door open, and I looked up. I guess they didn't expect me to be watching them, because they stopped in their tracks. I watched my son ease his right hand behind his back.
"What were you two doing outside?"
"Nothing."
"What's in your hand?"
"Nothing."
"Am I about to get mad at you guys?"
"No."
They broke a lot easier than I thought they would. It only took about three seconds of the evil eye before they cracked like eggs. They tried not to look at me, but they couldn't help talking to each other.
"Okay, so it's really funny, what we did. It's going to be hilarious to watch the kids down the road tomorrow trying to get them off the sidewalk. I hope this glue holds. Maybe we should go out and put some on the other side of the sidewalk. Do you think anyone saw us? It won't be funny if someone saw us. How much more change do you have? Let's go back out. Got any firecrackers?"
They glued quarters to the sidewalk. I'm dead serious. I had to confiscate the glue, because there's no telling what they would have done with it next.
I heard them whispering about buying a pack of chargers for a model rocket earlier. I heard the words "stink bomb" in the same conversation. I imagine sometime in the next week I'll be a witness to the smelliest rocket ever launched in the world.
I'm so lucky.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment