The age of (the loss of) innocence

My son will be in high school in the upcoming school year. He made a decision a couple of months ago that he definitely wanted to play football for the school. Given the fact that he could probably easily land a job manning the door at any nightclub, football is a good choice for him. He's been psyching himself up for it for a while now, and he's been so excited he practically buzzes all the time.

Tonight the school offered sports physicals in the gym. We went, filled out all the paperwork, and waited in a line that rivaled Space Mountain at noon on a Saturday in August. They had the basic stuff broken up into stations, all of which were manned by the cheerleading squad. Peppy, cute girls took his weight, then sent him to another group of peppy cute girls who measured his height, which was six feet even. How the hell did my teeny baby get that tall in 13 years?

Anyway, the height squad sent him over to the vision check. It was obvious that my son fell in instant smittenness with the vision girl. She giggled and cocked her head and touched his arm. The whole time I wanted to yank her arm behind her back and yell in my pissed-off-mom voice, "Do you UNDERSTAND that he is THIRTEEN?" I refrained from inflicting any injury on the eye chick and went to sit on the bleachers and wait.

He went through a few more checkpoints, then took a seat to wait and see the doctor. While we were waiting, he was scanning over the physical form. "Uh, mom?" I glanced over at him to see his eyes wide, focused on the paper. My eyes followed his pointing finger to the checklist.

#13) Male genitalia

"Ummm, what does that mean?"

Not only have I never had a sports physical (I'm smart, not athletic), but I also possess no male genitalia of my own.

"I have no idea. I'm sure it's nothing."

Wrong-O.

He eventually was called back to see the doctor. I waited patiently, reliving a little of my own high school years as I absorbed the sights and sounds of the gym that I hadn't set foot inside of in over 15 years. I heard the door crash open and looked up.

My son stood in the doorway, shaken and pale except for the crimson spots on both cheeks. His left eye was twitching, and his eyebrows were raised so high it looked like Botox gone wrong. He walked awkwardly toward me, grabbing all the paperwork off the bleacher seat and heading for the exit.

"How did it go?"

"Fine."

"What did they say?"

"Nothing."

"So tell me about it."

"No."

Oooookay. I let it go and we walked back across campus to the parking lot. I snuck a glance at my son, and he was walking with his head down, making his bulldog frowny face. Uh-oh. I let it go, assuming that he would tell me what happened when he was ready.

We got in the car and shut the door. He sat quietly, with his chin on his chest until we pulled into the drive-thru at the Taco Bell.

"You ok?"

"Mom, I just lost my virginity to an old man with a stethoscope."

I couldn't really speak, because my lower jaw was resting comfortably somewhere near the brake pedal.

"Mom, he... well, he.... *shudder* he squeezed my balls."

I started laughing. I couldn't help it. The sound just burst out of me.

"No, it gets worse. While he was.... doing that... he made me COUGH. Oh my God, Mom. I never thought the first person to touch that stuff besides me would be some old guy wearing a souvenir shop t-shirt and a lab coat."

I couldn't even order his crunchwrap supreme because I was laughing so hard.

He just shook his head, staring at his lap in shame. "You just don't understand. I feel so violated."

Sweetheart, I've had three children. Let me give you a little lesson on violation of the genitalia.

On second thought, I'll leave that discussion for his wife to deal with in the future. Maybe he'll hook up with the eye chick and they can have a few children who will, someday, be violated in the same gruesome ways.

Go Bulldogs!